I cried myself to sleep Friday night. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, but the tears came. I cried quietly, so I wouldn't wake my sleeping husband. This was partly because he needed his rest, he had a big cycling event Saturday, but largely it was because I didn't want him to ask what was wrong. I didn't have anything significant with which to answer. The sudden, unexplained tears are not typical of my depression. It only happens rarely. Mine is usually much less visible.
My particular "brand" of depression steals my energy, saps my ability to make decisions, keeps me from reaching out. It couples with my social anxiety to make phone calls nearly impossible. (Honestly, face to face is easier, how weird is that?) So not only do I not have the energy to get up and clean "something", there are too many different things that need attention, so my decision-making shuts down. I know, I know... you're thinking, "You're just lazy, pick one thing and just do it!" Believe me, you can't lecture me with anything I haven't already said to myself a thousand times.
It is isolating. I am finally finding myself able to connect, however superficially, with other PTA Moms, go to events, volunteer for things. When the kids were little, I did all my volunteering from home. (Teachers would send things home for me to do, typing, etc.) Real connections, though... those are difficult. I find a few, here and there, but eventually they pull away and I am disconnected from everything again. (There is a caveat here... one of my dearest friends right now is desperately trying to get prepared to go to see her dying father. This is not the kind of "pulling away" that I am talking about.) I get it, I do. Some people just don't know how to deal with how I am. It doesn't make it easier, but I understand it. My depression tells me this is how it has always been, and this is how it always will be. I struggle not to believe it.
Next time I want to discuss some of the popular "cures" people try to suggest for depression. Will you join me? Do you know someone suffering, who would benefit from knowing they're not alone? Bring them along with you. I'll be here.
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