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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Am I so sure?

I didn't sleep much last night. Cried alot. Still crying a lot.
I miss him! Am I crazy? If the restraining order weren't in place, I would be on the phone begging him to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to find out how to have the injunction amended to allow for communication. It completely sucks that we can't even talk to each other. Before I got the injunction, all I wanted was for him to be gone so I wouldn't feel scared....last night and this morning I bawled and bawled because I felt so guilty and missed him so much. This afternoon, I'm scared for completely different reasons. I've found out, rather "through the grapevine-ish" (since we're not allowed to pass messages through a 3rd party, either) that if it goes to the hearing date, he will have an attorney, who will be going for the jugular. Now... on the one hand, he has no idea what *I'm* doing, because I can't tell him, so preparing for the worst might be his smartest option. On the other hand, this might be his way of manipulating me into dropping the injunction (since with the certain people he told, he knew I would find out somehow).

So...I love him, extremely much, and I didn't realize HOW much until he was gone (ain't that always the way?). I mean, I knew I still loved him before, but the fear outweighed it. I can't believe he would intentionally be trying to manipulate me into dropping it. (I mean, I know he *wants* me to drop it, but I don't think he could be that calculated about it.) My gut feeling is that he's just scared, too, and trying to protect himself. So is this me just being stupid? I mean, so many of the signs of abuse were there, there just wasn't any hitting...yet. Every expert opinion says that it would get there eventually if something didn't happen to stop it. So I DID stop it.... so now what? I really want to believe that counseling can help, that we can both overcome this and go back to being a happy married couple (we were that, once upon a time).

I've been told that counseling very seldom works with this kind of situation. Maybe we'll be one of the exceptions. Am I crazy and delusional to hope that? I think I have to at LEAST try. I mean, we made vows, he claims he loves me and wants to go to counseling and try to fix it as well... so we owe each other at least that, don't we?

I never dreamed I'd be this conflicted about it. I thought the injunction itself was the hard part. /sigh

Monday, June 21, 2004

Yay, the courthouse is fun...

Such a lovely way to spend the day. /sigh
Well... I got the restraining order. Okay, technically it is a Temporary Injunction Against Domestic Violence. The police served it to Brian after he got home from work tonight, totally blindsided him, he had to pack and get out in an hour. So... the girls are in bed, the house is quiet, and I'm just sobbing.
I know that I did what I had to. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, but I'm not convinced yet. My counselor told me that, even my brother told me that, I have to keep telling myself til I believe it. I feel like total shit. I feel ... guilty.. frustrated... sad... like I failed somehow.

To anyone else who has gone through this, and had the strength to leave and not go back... you have my utmost respect. To those of you who watch the movies about domestic violence and wonder how the women could be so stupid (yep, that used to be me...)... you just have NO clue... no matter how much you tell yourself "I wouldn't let that happen to me"... you have no idea.

Sunday, June 20, 2004


I get to spend most of the day at the courthouse. This week will most likely be the week from hell. Hopefully, once the week is over, things will be a lot better, for awhile at least. /sigh

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I'm not crazy...

Well, maybe. At least about some things. I had a long talk yesterday afternoon with a lady who has been through a lot, and also done a LOT of counseling of other women... she said that even though she had been told NO details about my situation, she could guess a lot of what was happening just because the pattern is almost exactly the same every single time. About 90% of what she said was completely dead on. Some of it was stuff that's been going on for years, and I never thought that it wasn't just normal... husbandly behaviour...
So... the good thing is, I'm not imagining things, things are actually worse than what I thought... not that being worse is a good thing, but.... I thought I might be just blowing things out of proportion and that there wasn't anything really wrong. (I didn't really believe that, but I didn't have a lot of faith in what I was feeling.) And maybe most importantly, I'm not alone (now, for those of you who have been being REALLY supportive, I am not discounting you AT ALL... especially April and Solly and Jack and Jeremy... you guys are awesome... but talking to someone who has been there is a really profound experience.)

Now... if someone would just volunteer to watch the kids for half an hour so I can get a shower and stuff.... /sigh

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


Anyone have a cure for procrastination? Some of it, I'm sure, is part of the way my particular brand of depression manifests itself. Some of it is pure fear. Either way, I need to get beyond it. /sigh

My parents are coming up later today, we're gonna have lunch, and then Dad's gonna stay with the two little ones (they'll be sleeping so he doesn't have to do much... lol) while Mom and I take Hannah shopping for some clothes. She is growing like a WEED! Ever since her tonsillectomy last summer, she's just blossomed... it's amazing. I expected it to help with her sleeping patterns (she had sleep apnea from her tonsils and adenoids being so enlarged). I hope it would help with her behaviour (it has, somewhat). I didn't expect it to affect her appetite! But she's no longer so incredibly skinny, with all her ribs sticking out, and size 2T stuff still being big enough in the waist for her. (She's 5) Anyway, she went flying through size 6 without stopping to breathe, so I need to go see what the local consigment store has in 7 and 8... hopefully for not much money. Wheeee!

Sesame Street is all about bananas today... (the kids and I are watching it while I type this.) Makes me wanna stop by the grocery store on the way home and pick some up ::)

Well, I have a ton of phone calls to make today, not to mention dishes and about 18 loads of laundry... /sigh. (Do your household chores taunt you? Mine do, it's hideous.)

More later! =P