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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Am I so sure?

I didn't sleep much last night. Cried alot. Still crying a lot.
I miss him! Am I crazy? If the restraining order weren't in place, I would be on the phone begging him to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to find out how to have the injunction amended to allow for communication. It completely sucks that we can't even talk to each other. Before I got the injunction, all I wanted was for him to be gone so I wouldn't feel scared....last night and this morning I bawled and bawled because I felt so guilty and missed him so much. This afternoon, I'm scared for completely different reasons. I've found out, rather "through the grapevine-ish" (since we're not allowed to pass messages through a 3rd party, either) that if it goes to the hearing date, he will have an attorney, who will be going for the jugular. Now... on the one hand, he has no idea what *I'm* doing, because I can't tell him, so preparing for the worst might be his smartest option. On the other hand, this might be his way of manipulating me into dropping the injunction (since with the certain people he told, he knew I would find out somehow).

So...I love him, extremely much, and I didn't realize HOW much until he was gone (ain't that always the way?). I mean, I knew I still loved him before, but the fear outweighed it. I can't believe he would intentionally be trying to manipulate me into dropping it. (I mean, I know he *wants* me to drop it, but I don't think he could be that calculated about it.) My gut feeling is that he's just scared, too, and trying to protect himself. So is this me just being stupid? I mean, so many of the signs of abuse were there, there just wasn't any hitting...yet. Every expert opinion says that it would get there eventually if something didn't happen to stop it. So I DID stop it.... so now what? I really want to believe that counseling can help, that we can both overcome this and go back to being a happy married couple (we were that, once upon a time).

I've been told that counseling very seldom works with this kind of situation. Maybe we'll be one of the exceptions. Am I crazy and delusional to hope that? I think I have to at LEAST try. I mean, we made vows, he claims he loves me and wants to go to counseling and try to fix it as well... so we owe each other at least that, don't we?

I never dreamed I'd be this conflicted about it. I thought the injunction itself was the hard part. /sigh


Armans said...

I was just browing blogs and stumbled across yours. It seems that your life is pretty tough at the moment (or was when you posted). I hope it has gotten better since then.

Best of Luck and Happy Holidays! [Hopefully things have gotten better.]

dave said...

Understandably you are having a tough time. The only personal experience I have is very remote, as my mother told me stories of her father beating grandma and the kids. The fact that you're feeling guilty about getting the restraining order reflects more on your personality than it does on the situation you're in. Regardless of how this ends up for you, you deserve to be safe and happy at home and so do your children. Home and family are supposed to be the safe refuge. If he can't understand that, then he shouldn't be there.

Maybe this story will help you...

My oldest son was a real problem for us. Drinking, drugs, and occasional violence against is siblings and occassionally me. My wife and I would worry sometimes how far he would take it. We spent years in counselling with little effect. About 3 months before his high school graduation I told him that he had to leave once he graduated... that he couldn't live at home anymore, regardless if he had somewhere else to go.

He cleaned up his act enough to join the Marines. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I have to tell you that our home life has never been calmer, quieter, more secure, nor happier.

We struggled with the feelings of missing him and feeling guilty about forcing him out. After alot of reflection, what I believe we were missing is what we never had. I think we were kind of romanticizing over what could have been with him, but the reality was that he wasn't going to change without some "shock" therapy.

I know my situation was vastly different than yours, but perhaps your husband needs this action to change his behaviour. Maybe he'll change. Maybe not. What you need to be firm about is that home needs to be a loving, nurturing place for everyone.

Good luck to you and may God give you strength.