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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Enough of being a pansy

Not that pansies are not beautiful flowers, they are. I mean it more in the sense of not being a chicken. Actually, I'm not sure chicken is quite right, either. It's more that I feel uncomfortable in certain places, and unsure of myself, and so I don't go there. I stay away from places that I care about, away from friends that I miss deeply, because I'm walking on eggshells and feeling awkward. So, today I decided I don't want to do that anymore. I've started, slowly, to go back to places I used to visit, make idle chit-chat where it seems appropriate... trying to ease back into things. We'll see how it goes.

I really really miss interacting with these friends. Some have changed since I've known them. Not that I expect things to stay the same all the time, mind you... but some of these changes have been extreme. Now they're not all BAD, either... 1 friend has been through SO much, and it's not over yet, but she's away from a really bad situation, and she's keeping her son safe and happy, and her strength is just totally amazing. Another friend... it's really odd, I'm not sure what happened. A few months ago, if you had asked me to list the top 10 rational, level-headed people I knew, she would have been one of them, no question. Then, she somehow seemed to stop being able to see both sides of a situation. That used to be something she had a particular strength for... but now people that she used to consider friends, are capable of horrible things, without even attempting to see their side of it. It's very strange.

The last change is the one that pains me the most. She's been through a hell of a lot, too, and is still in the middle of some of it. She's very sweet, and generous, and usually fiercely loyal to her friends. She's always had some anxiety issues, and with good reason... but in the past few months, they've grown and... I dunno, blossomed I suppose. Now she's paranoid, even about close friends, and she lashes out, even at people who care very deeply for her. Some have given up entirely :( Some of us haven't given up, and still hope she'll come back to us someday...

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