Somedays, I wonder how they remember to breathe...

In this instance, the "they" I am referring to is the "Religious Right". Conservatives, generally Republicans, crusading to "save our children" from all that is evil in the world.
The scary thing is, I actually AM one. I am extremely conservative in most of my political views (a few notable exceptions exist, but that's a different topic.), I am a Christian, and I am a registered Republican. I think Ann Coulter is wonderful ;)

Then I see things like this, and this... and I am in a quandary. Either they cannot read, in which case, how in the dickens do they manage to mash the right keys to write this drivel? Or, they are just stupid... which I would hope is not the case, but there is something just NOT right here.
For those too lazy to go read all the articles (hi, Pneuma! =P), it's people up in arms about the game Mass Effect, and the fact that your character can get involved in a romantic relationship that ends in sex.
They are claiming that 1) the game is marketed to minors, and 2) the romantic scene is actually explicitly showing sex, like an X-rated movie.
Point 1... well, no. It's not. They never provide any evidence for WHY they say it's marketed to minors. In fact, in one article they even state, in a separate paragraph, that the game is labeled "M" for Mature. I guess they figure that because it's a "game" it automatically has to be safe to hand it to their 6 year old. There are an awful lot of adult gamers in the world, and we'd like to play something a little more sophisticated than Mario Brothers occasionally. That's why there is a rating system to begin with. If I, as an adult, choose to go and play an M-rated game, that is my choice, and my responsibility. My kids do not get that choice. I choose what games they play, and anything with an "M" for Mature on it is not only not on their list, it won't even get played by adults in the house while they're home and awake. That's my job as a parent. It's not BioWare's job to make sure that everything they produce is good for my kids. They produce what they want to produce, the ESRB labels it as accurately as they can, and that's where they're responsibility ends and mine begins. I research the games, read review sites, and actually READ the packaging, including the ESRB rating, to decide if it A) comes into my house in the first place and B) gets to be viewed and/or played by my children. If these people actually think that an M-rated game is "marketed to minors", I shudder to think what they let their own kids watch, play, and do.

2) If THAT is what they think explicit sex is, how in the world do they manage to reproduce? I've watched clips of the scene. It is for certain too mature for most kids to watch (hence it's "M" rating, duh...), but it is in no way explicit. You see a kiss, a bare tush... there might be a fleeting glimpse of breast, but it's hard too tell because the whole scene is so dark. The cinematography moves very quickly, shifting camera angles constantly, so all you get is an impression of what's going on. Now we, being adults who engage in sex of our own, know quite well what the implications are. My kids would be much more likely to giggle loudly about seeing a "naked tushy" than anything else, if I let them see it in the first place, which obviously I'm not.

It is a scary, scary thing that these people think "M for Mature" means "marketed to minors". We learned a long time ago that being animated does not make it a kids' show (thank you, Anime and the Simpsons). Now we need to wake up to the fact that just because something is a game, doesn't mean it's for children to play.

More Episcopal Church comments

I've seen a lot of the folks comparing themselves to Martin Luther. I've been trying to find ways to be descriptive without using labels or going to far with the "us and them" mentality, but these are the folks who think it's perfectly okay not to believe in the creed, even if you're a bishop... the ones who doubt the authority of scripture and don't believe in the divinity of Christ. (Now, I do want to make this clear here... I have friends who are of different faiths, and in some cases no official faith at all, and I have no issue with the fact that they don't believe the Bible or believe in Jesus. The sole reason I have a problem with it in this instance is that these are leaders in what is supposed to be a Christian church.)
I've done a lot of thinking and praying about this Martin Luther analogy for the past few days. My husband was raised Lutheran, and attended a Lutheran college, and has done extensive research on Martin Luther. I've discussed a lot of this with him, as well.
Now, these leaders of the church, the Presiding Bishop and a lot of other Bishops, and I'm not even sure who all else, are the ones who have been steering the Episcopal Church USA further into heresy. The other Bishops (the conservative ones, for those who must insist on labels) have been observing this, and have tried in many ways, over many years, to bring them back into compliance with Scripture. They have tried to re-form the church, to bring it back to the original constitution under which it was formed, which is based very strongly in Scripture. Martin Luther watched the Catholic church become more and more corrupted, and tried to bring them back... he wasn't the one dragging them astray.
Those of you who have been trying to use this argument to defend your actions need to do a bit more studying and praying. You are the ones with the political and economic power here. You are NOT acting in the place of Martin Luther. You are The Church.

I wonder if the Windsor Report would have gotten a better reception if it had been nailed to a church door?

Scandalon

I've had some songs rattling around in my head recently, and I decided to inflict them on my readers, few though you may be

So today's episode is Scandalon by Michael Card.
Verse 1 :
The seers and the prophets had foretold it long ago
That the long awaited one would make men stumble
But they were looking for a king to conquer and to kill
Who'd have ever thought He'd be so meek and humble

Chorus :
He will be the truth that will offend them one and all
A stone that makes men stumble
And a rock that makes them fall
Many will be broken so that He can make them whole
And many will be crushed and lose their own soul

Verse 2 :
Along the path of life there lies a stubborn Scandalon
And all who come this way must be offended
To some He is a barrier, To others He's the way
For all should know the scandal of believing

This verse is the one I wanted to talk about first. In many ways, it is truly a scandal to be a believer. We are labeled intolerant, closed-minded, even homophobic, by people who don't even know us. Now I do realize that there are a vocal few who really are that way, and they give the rest of us a bad name. BUT, how is considering all of us like them any better than how they stereotype "liberals" or "gays" or any other group?

Verse 3 :
It seems today the Scandalon offends no one at all
The image we present can be stepped over
Could it be that we are like the others long ago
Will we ever learn that all who come must stumble

Some people today (probably a lot... probably a whole lot more than will admit it... perhaps even ALL of us, to some degree) want to mold God into their own personal idea of Deity, instead of taking him as he is. They want to warp His Word, pretend things are acceptable to Him that really aren't, and make themselves feel "Holy" for the sins they are committing. They want to make God unoffensive to everyone. In the name of "tolerance" they water down the message and the gift. The image they present doesn't even have to be stepped over, it just melds into the road. Some of us already know we have to stumble... we realize we are all sinners, and we don't hold up our sin as a good thing.

I think the book of Revelation makes a good case for the second coming to be much less meek than the first. Then He will come as a King who conquers and kills. He will separate the sheep from the goats. He won't be quite so step-over-able then.

The Episcopal Church

Okay, I can almost... almost, mind you... understand the desire of the certain Bishops to reform where they are, rather than just do the honest thing and LEAVE a church they don't agree with to form their own where they can set all the rules the way they want them. Almost. Even though it's not just a matter of a few secondary rules, it's the actual CREED they don't agree with... basic, fundamental tenets of the church that they cannot even verbalize, much less say they believe. They are sworn to uphold these same tenets. They affirm in front of witnesses, and SIGN their name in front of witnesses, to defend these tenets. And yet, it's not dishonest and a breach of contract for them to deny them?

Beyond all this, for the rest of us who DO believe the creed and the tenets of the church and the Holy Scriptures, who are trying to leave the church (as a last resort, because they won't uphold the Scriptures and they won't leave to form a church where they don't have to), are being threatened, sued, convicted in "Episcopal Court" of all kinds of trumped up heinous charges. I have heard it compared to the Spanish Inquisition, though I sincerely can't see how something like that could happen in this day and age, especially in America. I absolutely cannot comprehend why they want to FORCE us to stay, when they so firmly believe we are intolerant and closed-minded and who knows what else.

If you and an acquaintance completely disagreed about something, and neither of you could possibly budge on your opinions, and they tried to walk away from the relationship... would you try to FORCE them to stay? Why would anyone want that?

I'll likely have more on this later, but right now I feel I'm too upset to be particularly coherent. If you managed to get to the end of it and don't think I'm making any sense, please feel free to ask for clarification, and I shall do my best to oblige.

Backtracking..

I've added a couple of older posts, that were originally posted on my livejournal page. Having multiple blogs is confusing me, I think o.O
Anyway, if you scroll down to July of '06, you'll see the two new old posts =P

And here's today's lovely tidbit of karma! :D

So, if you read those two blogs, you know what lovely bunch of folks I used to see at my doctor's office. I say used to, because we have now gotten settled into the new doctor's office that my kids' pediatrician recommended, and they are FANTASTIC. A little bit of a wait time sometimes, but nothing too horrid, and they are SO nice and helpful that it pretty much negates that.
Anyway... my husband had an appointment this morning, and the lady he saw asked "Didn't you guys come from Dr. Dube's office? Have you seen the news? They're under this huge investigation, one of their PA's was arrested for practicing medicine without a license".....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*ahem* Sorry.

Link to the news article I found online
I'll think I'll be snickering all morning, at least =P

Hubby found and linked another article about the fiasco, too.
This one was the day after the other article

Welcome to the nuthouse, Dearest!

My husband finally fell into the blogging craze ;)
Check out his Moments of Clarity!

*hugs*
Welcome in, darling :)

*sigh* Meds are expensive, yippee...

So this morning, there is a message from my doctor's office manager, telling me only to "call her back". I do, and get her voice mail... an hour and a half later, she still hasn't called back, so my husband calls. After 3 calls in, and insisting that no, he cannot "hold", he finally gets to "someone" who says that they "no longer do prior auths". At all. In fact, they want to change my meds, now that we've found something that works. Um.... why didn't they mention med changing when I was there on Wed? Why, if they want to change them, did Randy write a new scrip for what I'm already on? DH gets frustrated, pissed off, gives up on moronic office staff, and goes straight for the insurance company to file a formal complaint. Meanwhile, I'm emailing our kids' pediatrician, who is absolutely awesome, to see who he recommends for a family practitioner, because we can't deal with this situation anymore. DH gets the address for sending in a formal complaint, and the woman from UHC that he's dealing with is really helpful, which is great. It doesn't fix anything immediately, mind you, but it's a nice change from the useless morons at the doctor's office. She faxes some form to the doctor's office, which they are supposed to fill out and return, which means my meds will be covered about 24 hours after they send it back.... IF they bother to fill it out at all. I went to the pharmacy and bought 1 weeks worth of pills without benefit of insurance coverage ($35, for 7 pills... yay.), so hopefully we can get it straightened out before I run out again. I just couldn't swing the $150 it would have been for the whole 27 pills, even with the likelihood of reimbursement from the insurance company.
The pediatrician wrote back with a recommendation, and he takes our insurance, and they even answered their phone on the FIRST ring (with an actual person!!).... but they're not accepting new patients until September. They did say that if it was urgent, they could fit me in... so I'm going to call tomorrow and see what they can do.
I dunno if it's the fact that I didn't have my meds Saturday or this morning, or the stress of the whole mess, or some combination, but I just want to curl up into a ball, hide, and sleep for about 2 months :/

ARGH! Doctors! And Insurance Companies! They all suck.

Well, okay, probably not ALL of them. At least, I hope not all of them, because I need to switch doctors and I'd like to find a non-sucky one to switch to. I've been on an anti-depressant for a little over 2 years. (Well, I've been on several different ones, for much longer than that, total... but this particular one has worked the best, by far.) It has nasty side effects if you stop taking it cold turkey. I still have 3 refills left on my prescription, so Tuesday I took it to my pharmacy to get a refill. I had 1 pill left, for Wednesday morning, but the pharmacy only takes about 10 minutes for a refill. (I know, I shouldn't have cut it that close, but we were out of town for the weekend.) I got a phone call Tuesday afternoon that my insurance company had suddenly decided I needed "prior authorization" from my doctor's office in order to cover my prescription, even though there were still refills left. The pharmacist had faxed my doctor's office, who replied that since I hadn't been seen since September, I would have to come in to the office for them to authorize it. So, grumbling and gritting my teeth, I call the dr and get an appointment for Wednesday afternoon. I see the PA, who is completely useless, but all I needed was an authorization, which I figured was pretty simple. (He wanted to put me on cholesterol meds while I was there, when my cholesterol is 30 points LOWER than it was last time they tested it, but that's a separate rant.) He wrote out a new prescription. I took it to the pharmacy, and they said..... no, that won't help, they have to CALL the insurance company to tell them it's authorized, a new prescription won't cut it. ARGH! So the pharmacist calls the dr's office, leaves a message, and gives me 3 tablets to get me through til they can fill the prescription. I hadn't heard anything, so this morning I called the pharmacy to make sure it was ready so we could go get it.... and the doctor has not even called the insurance company yet!!! The pharmacist says there's absolutely nothing she can do until the dr calls the insurance company.
I call the dr's office myself, go through a maze of phone menus, and discover they have NO after hours answering service, the ONLY thing you can do after hours is leave VOICEMAIL! (This is the main reason I'm going to switch doctors now, that's just completely ridiculous.) I left a scathing voicemail in their "General Delivery" mailbox with the doctor's name on it, but somehow I doubt it will do any good.
So, I tried calling the insurance company to see what else they can do, if anything, since I have only 1 pill left. I went through 2 menus, gave my account info so they could look up the records, went through 3 more menus, and was THEN told "Sorry, we're closed, call back during regular business hours." WHY couldn't you have told me that 4 menus ago??

I'm beyond livid, but I'm stuck til Monday, so I'm saving the one pill I have to take tomorrow (I've missed a single day before with no noticeable effect.)

At least venting on here seems to be somewhat therapeutic. Thanks for reading, if you got this far without your eyes bleeding. ;)

Enough of being a pansy

Not that pansies are not beautiful flowers, they are. I mean it more in the sense of not being a chicken. Actually, I'm not sure chicken is quite right, either. It's more that I feel uncomfortable in certain places, and unsure of myself, and so I don't go there. I stay away from places that I care about, away from friends that I miss deeply, because I'm walking on eggshells and feeling awkward. So, today I decided I don't want to do that anymore. I've started, slowly, to go back to places I used to visit, make idle chit-chat where it seems appropriate... trying to ease back into things. We'll see how it goes.

I really really miss interacting with these friends. Some have changed since I've known them. Not that I expect things to stay the same all the time, mind you... but some of these changes have been extreme. Now they're not all BAD, either... 1 friend has been through SO much, and it's not over yet, but she's away from a really bad situation, and she's keeping her son safe and happy, and her strength is just totally amazing. Another friend... it's really odd, I'm not sure what happened. A few months ago, if you had asked me to list the top 10 rational, level-headed people I knew, she would have been one of them, no question. Then, she somehow seemed to stop being able to see both sides of a situation. That used to be something she had a particular strength for... but now people that she used to consider friends, are capable of horrible things, without even attempting to see their side of it. It's very strange.

The last change is the one that pains me the most. She's been through a hell of a lot, too, and is still in the middle of some of it. She's very sweet, and generous, and usually fiercely loyal to her friends. She's always had some anxiety issues, and with good reason... but in the past few months, they've grown and... I dunno, blossomed I suppose. Now she's paranoid, even about close friends, and she lashes out, even at people who care very deeply for her. Some have given up entirely :( Some of us haven't given up, and still hope she'll come back to us someday...

Wow, I've been neglecting this...

So... I did mention in an earlier post that I'm a horrible procrastinator, right? I know, I am FAR overdue for an update on here. All of you who have left comments... you are all wonderful, and I appreciate the comments very much :)

I'm sure if anyone's actually been keeping up with this, the question in everyone's mind is what happened next... and amazingly enough, he didn't fit the profile for counseling not working. We stayed separated for a little while, but not very long. We both went to some counseling, we did a LOT of talking, a lot of crying, and a huge, HUGE amount of praying. He's home now, and things are SO much better, it's hard to believe. It's not perfect, of course... nothing ever is.... but I'm not scared to talk to him anymore, not afraid to disagree or be upset with him.

The kids are all doing well, growing like weeds, of course. The oldest is in kindergarten this year, and LOVES it... she loves being a big kid and riding the bus to school (I try not to think about it too much, so I don't panic! lol) The middle one is in preschool 5 days a week, and now the littlest one goes 3 days a week as well. They are two peas in a pod... sometimes I think they might as well have been twins, for how they act. Debra HATES it when Emily gets to go to school without her. When they are together, they are never out of each other's sight. They have a language all their own. (Though they also both have amazing vocabularies in English, too! Have you ever heard a 2 year old say "cookie catastrophe"? It's somethin else, I tell ya...)

So for all of you who have been wondering, I apologize for the lack of updates. For those that were praying and sending your good thoughts our way, I greatly GREATLY appreciate it.

**hugs to everyone**

Am I so sure?

I didn't sleep much last night. Cried alot. Still crying a lot.
I miss him! Am I crazy? If the restraining order weren't in place, I would be on the phone begging him to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to find out how to have the injunction amended to allow for communication. It completely sucks that we can't even talk to each other. Before I got the injunction, all I wanted was for him to be gone so I wouldn't feel scared....last night and this morning I bawled and bawled because I felt so guilty and missed him so much. This afternoon, I'm scared for completely different reasons. I've found out, rather "through the grapevine-ish" (since we're not allowed to pass messages through a 3rd party, either) that if it goes to the hearing date, he will have an attorney, who will be going for the jugular. Now... on the one hand, he has no idea what *I'm* doing, because I can't tell him, so preparing for the worst might be his smartest option. On the other hand, this might be his way of manipulating me into dropping the injunction (since with the certain people he told, he knew I would find out somehow).

So...I love him, extremely much, and I didn't realize HOW much until he was gone (ain't that always the way?). I mean, I knew I still loved him before, but the fear outweighed it. I can't believe he would intentionally be trying to manipulate me into dropping it. (I mean, I know he *wants* me to drop it, but I don't think he could be that calculated about it.) My gut feeling is that he's just scared, too, and trying to protect himself. So is this me just being stupid? I mean, so many of the signs of abuse were there, there just wasn't any hitting...yet. Every expert opinion says that it would get there eventually if something didn't happen to stop it. So I DID stop it.... so now what? I really want to believe that counseling can help, that we can both overcome this and go back to being a happy married couple (we were that, once upon a time).

I've been told that counseling very seldom works with this kind of situation. Maybe we'll be one of the exceptions. Am I crazy and delusional to hope that? I think I have to at LEAST try. I mean, we made vows, he claims he loves me and wants to go to counseling and try to fix it as well... so we owe each other at least that, don't we?

I never dreamed I'd be this conflicted about it. I thought the injunction itself was the hard part. /sigh

Yay, the courthouse is fun...

Such a lovely way to spend the day. /sigh
Well... I got the restraining order. Okay, technically it is a Temporary Injunction Against Domestic Violence. The police served it to Brian after he got home from work tonight, totally blindsided him, he had to pack and get out in an hour. So... the girls are in bed, the house is quiet, and I'm just sobbing.
I know that I did what I had to. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, but I'm not convinced yet. My counselor told me that, even my brother told me that, I have to keep telling myself til I believe it. I feel like total shit. I feel ... guilty.. frustrated... sad... like I failed somehow.

To anyone else who has gone through this, and had the strength to leave and not go back... you have my utmost respect. To those of you who watch the movies about domestic violence and wonder how the women could be so stupid (yep, that used to be me...)... you just have NO clue... no matter how much you tell yourself "I wouldn't let that happen to me"... you have no idea.

Tomorrow...

I get to spend most of the day at the courthouse. This week will most likely be the week from hell. Hopefully, once the week is over, things will be a lot better, for awhile at least. /sigh

I'm not crazy...

Well, maybe. At least about some things. I had a long talk yesterday afternoon with a lady who has been through a lot, and also done a LOT of counseling of other women... she said that even though she had been told NO details about my situation, she could guess a lot of what was happening just because the pattern is almost exactly the same every single time. About 90% of what she said was completely dead on. Some of it was stuff that's been going on for years, and I never thought that it wasn't just normal... husbandly behaviour...
So... the good thing is, I'm not imagining things, things are actually worse than what I thought... not that being worse is a good thing, but.... I thought I might be just blowing things out of proportion and that there wasn't anything really wrong. (I didn't really believe that, but I didn't have a lot of faith in what I was feeling.) And maybe most importantly, I'm not alone (now, for those of you who have been being REALLY supportive, I am not discounting you AT ALL... especially April and Solly and Jack and Jeremy... you guys are awesome... but talking to someone who has been there is a really profound experience.)

Now... if someone would just volunteer to watch the kids for half an hour so I can get a shower and stuff.... /sigh

Hepl

Anyone have a cure for procrastination? Some of it, I'm sure, is part of the way my particular brand of depression manifests itself. Some of it is pure fear. Either way, I need to get beyond it. /sigh

My parents are coming up later today, we're gonna have lunch, and then Dad's gonna stay with the two little ones (they'll be sleeping so he doesn't have to do much... lol) while Mom and I take Hannah shopping for some clothes. She is growing like a WEED! Ever since her tonsillectomy last summer, she's just blossomed... it's amazing. I expected it to help with her sleeping patterns (she had sleep apnea from her tonsils and adenoids being so enlarged). I hope it would help with her behaviour (it has, somewhat). I didn't expect it to affect her appetite! But she's no longer so incredibly skinny, with all her ribs sticking out, and size 2T stuff still being big enough in the waist for her. (She's 5) Anyway, she went flying through size 6 without stopping to breathe, so I need to go see what the local consigment store has in 7 and 8... hopefully for not much money. Wheeee!

Sesame Street is all about bananas today... (the kids and I are watching it while I type this.) Makes me wanna stop by the grocery store on the way home and pick some up ::)

Well, I have a ton of phone calls to make today, not to mention dishes and about 18 loads of laundry... /sigh. (Do your household chores taunt you? Mine do, it's hideous.)

More later! =P

XBox has its redeeming qualities...

B bought the "Home Music Mixer", which does all kinds of weird things with putting graphics with music, BUT.... it also does karaoke! In FACT, not only does it come with about a dozen songs that you can use, complete with lyrics on the screen, you can put in a cd of your own, and it will strip the lead vocals for ya, so you can use anything you've got as karaoke! It'll also record you with the background music. (So look out, you're likely to be bombarded with recordings of moi! =P)

Anyway, I'm still ticked that he went out and bought the darn thing with money that was for something else, without consulting anyone but himself, but I suppose that's life with a control freak.

We're still at the inlaws' right now, but we're heading back after lunch, since I have rehearsal tonight. I'm hoping I can get an appointment with my therapist either tomorrow or Wednesday and get him to look at the letter. /sigh.

Anyway... we're about to take the munchkins in the pool, so I'm outta here!

Ahhh, the inlaws.........

Well, on the one hand, it's kinda nice to have some extra adults to help with rambunctious little kidlets. On the other hand, I love my mother-in-law dearly, but she is nuts. Papa, however, keeps a well stocked bar, so all is not lost =P

Right now, the husband is off at the store with his mother, and they took the oldest kidlet with them... the tiny one is sleeping, and Emily is quite happily playing with Papa and his trains. (You should SEE his setup... I'll try to post a picture of it later, it's amazing!) So yay, I get a few minutes to BREATHE on my own!

My new meds say that "excessive caffeine may increase your risk of seizure", so I've been laying off the Diet Coke... which is giving me a headache... which I suppose is better than a seizure, but it's still no fun. They also have a warning about drowsiness, and that alcohol may intensify the effect, but so far they don't seem to be making me drowsy, so I do believe I shall risk some cocktails later. In fact, the doctor told me when she prescribed them that they would likely make me restless and keep me from sleeping, so she told me to take them in the daytime. I haven't noticed much effect either way yet. /shrug

I think bloggin is almost as therapeutic as singing is....just as addictive, too =P
Monday night we start rehearsing the dancing, though, and I am SO not looking forward to that part. Can't I just hide in the wings and sing? It's not like I have a speaking part or a named role or anything... I'm just the only one in the chorus that can hit the high notes... /giggle. (Ego much? Nah... even my email address has "diva" in it. /smirk)


I don't know whether B is getting more controlling as the days go by, or if I'm just noticing it more, but either way it's strengthening my resolve about what needs to happen, so I guess that's a good thing, in a way.

Well... they're due home any minute, so I'll be signing off for now ::)

Bleh.

The kids are all driving me INSANE today. Hannah is nothing but attitude, through and through, and she is driving me crazy. Emily's just being... Emily. She's adorable, but she's so LOUD. AND my mother is over, to "help", which... she's a big help, but she also is exceddingly disappointed in me that I never "get anything done" on my own. Yeah, she says she knows I have my hands full, she had three kids of her own... well, sorry, but the way she had hers spaced out, she has NO Idea what I go through on a daily basis. Her closest two were 5 years apart, and THEY were 19 and 14 when I came along. That's got nothin on having a 5 yr old with a 21 month old and a 9 month old. (They're exactly 1 year and 1 week apart... twins the hard way... heh.)

AND I'm supposed to be packing, because we're all heading to B's parents' house for the weekend, oh joy.... don't get me wrong, their house is awesome and I love them dearly, but this is more stress than I need.

I'll probably complain more later. /sigh

Yay, finally!

Got my new prescription last night, today is my first day taking it... it's supposed to take a couple of weeks to notice an improvement, but I'm sooooo impatient... I hope there's an extra dose of confidence in 'em.

I got my writing done yesterday, just have to show it to my therapist and see what he thinks of it before I pass it along to it's intended recipient.... and then hopefully all hell won't break loose.

I just keep looking at my sweet little babies (yeah, at over-protective moments like this, even the 5 yr old is a baby) and I know that I'll do what I have to to protect them... some days that's all that keeps me going. They're so small and defenseless... I'm the Momma, I have to do what I have to do. Fortunately I have less violent means at my disposal than the famous Mother Bear. (Doubly fortunate since it's violence we're trying to get away from.)

So... new meds, writing done, it's a good day... except that the littlest one just had a diaper blow-out that may require a complete hosing down... lol. So, gotta go!

So...

I'm still struggling with "homework" from my therapist and attorney. I have to write out something that's very difficult for me. I'm still unsure of whether I'll go into more detail about this here or not. I know it's what I have to do, I just wish I could fast forward past it. I want it over with, but I don't know where to start. I wish I could just run away and hide, and not have to deal with it, but life doesn't work that way. Have you ever been scared of where you are, but even more scared to move?