Am I so sure?

I didn't sleep much last night. Cried alot. Still crying a lot.
I miss him! Am I crazy? If the restraining order weren't in place, I would be on the phone begging him to come home. Tomorrow I'm going to find out how to have the injunction amended to allow for communication. It completely sucks that we can't even talk to each other. Before I got the injunction, all I wanted was for him to be gone so I wouldn't feel scared....last night and this morning I bawled and bawled because I felt so guilty and missed him so much. This afternoon, I'm scared for completely different reasons. I've found out, rather "through the grapevine-ish" (since we're not allowed to pass messages through a 3rd party, either) that if it goes to the hearing date, he will have an attorney, who will be going for the jugular. Now... on the one hand, he has no idea what *I'm* doing, because I can't tell him, so preparing for the worst might be his smartest option. On the other hand, this might be his way of manipulating me into dropping the injunction (since with the certain people he told, he knew I would find out somehow).

So...I love him, extremely much, and I didn't realize HOW much until he was gone (ain't that always the way?). I mean, I knew I still loved him before, but the fear outweighed it. I can't believe he would intentionally be trying to manipulate me into dropping it. (I mean, I know he *wants* me to drop it, but I don't think he could be that calculated about it.) My gut feeling is that he's just scared, too, and trying to protect himself. So is this me just being stupid? I mean, so many of the signs of abuse were there, there just wasn't any hitting...yet. Every expert opinion says that it would get there eventually if something didn't happen to stop it. So I DID stop it.... so now what? I really want to believe that counseling can help, that we can both overcome this and go back to being a happy married couple (we were that, once upon a time).

I've been told that counseling very seldom works with this kind of situation. Maybe we'll be one of the exceptions. Am I crazy and delusional to hope that? I think I have to at LEAST try. I mean, we made vows, he claims he loves me and wants to go to counseling and try to fix it as well... so we owe each other at least that, don't we?

I never dreamed I'd be this conflicted about it. I thought the injunction itself was the hard part. /sigh

Yay, the courthouse is fun...

Such a lovely way to spend the day. /sigh
Well... I got the restraining order. Okay, technically it is a Temporary Injunction Against Domestic Violence. The police served it to Brian after he got home from work tonight, totally blindsided him, he had to pack and get out in an hour. So... the girls are in bed, the house is quiet, and I'm just sobbing.
I know that I did what I had to. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, but I'm not convinced yet. My counselor told me that, even my brother told me that, I have to keep telling myself til I believe it. I feel like total shit. I feel ... guilty.. frustrated... sad... like I failed somehow.

To anyone else who has gone through this, and had the strength to leave and not go back... you have my utmost respect. To those of you who watch the movies about domestic violence and wonder how the women could be so stupid (yep, that used to be me...)... you just have NO clue... no matter how much you tell yourself "I wouldn't let that happen to me"... you have no idea.

Tomorrow...

I get to spend most of the day at the courthouse. This week will most likely be the week from hell. Hopefully, once the week is over, things will be a lot better, for awhile at least. /sigh

I'm not crazy...

Well, maybe. At least about some things. I had a long talk yesterday afternoon with a lady who has been through a lot, and also done a LOT of counseling of other women... she said that even though she had been told NO details about my situation, she could guess a lot of what was happening just because the pattern is almost exactly the same every single time. About 90% of what she said was completely dead on. Some of it was stuff that's been going on for years, and I never thought that it wasn't just normal... husbandly behaviour...
So... the good thing is, I'm not imagining things, things are actually worse than what I thought... not that being worse is a good thing, but.... I thought I might be just blowing things out of proportion and that there wasn't anything really wrong. (I didn't really believe that, but I didn't have a lot of faith in what I was feeling.) And maybe most importantly, I'm not alone (now, for those of you who have been being REALLY supportive, I am not discounting you AT ALL... especially April and Solly and Jack and Jeremy... you guys are awesome... but talking to someone who has been there is a really profound experience.)

Now... if someone would just volunteer to watch the kids for half an hour so I can get a shower and stuff.... /sigh

Hepl

Anyone have a cure for procrastination? Some of it, I'm sure, is part of the way my particular brand of depression manifests itself. Some of it is pure fear. Either way, I need to get beyond it. /sigh

My parents are coming up later today, we're gonna have lunch, and then Dad's gonna stay with the two little ones (they'll be sleeping so he doesn't have to do much... lol) while Mom and I take Hannah shopping for some clothes. She is growing like a WEED! Ever since her tonsillectomy last summer, she's just blossomed... it's amazing. I expected it to help with her sleeping patterns (she had sleep apnea from her tonsils and adenoids being so enlarged). I hope it would help with her behaviour (it has, somewhat). I didn't expect it to affect her appetite! But she's no longer so incredibly skinny, with all her ribs sticking out, and size 2T stuff still being big enough in the waist for her. (She's 5) Anyway, she went flying through size 6 without stopping to breathe, so I need to go see what the local consigment store has in 7 and 8... hopefully for not much money. Wheeee!

Sesame Street is all about bananas today... (the kids and I are watching it while I type this.) Makes me wanna stop by the grocery store on the way home and pick some up ::)

Well, I have a ton of phone calls to make today, not to mention dishes and about 18 loads of laundry... /sigh. (Do your household chores taunt you? Mine do, it's hideous.)

More later! =P

XBox has its redeeming qualities...

B bought the "Home Music Mixer", which does all kinds of weird things with putting graphics with music, BUT.... it also does karaoke! In FACT, not only does it come with about a dozen songs that you can use, complete with lyrics on the screen, you can put in a cd of your own, and it will strip the lead vocals for ya, so you can use anything you've got as karaoke! It'll also record you with the background music. (So look out, you're likely to be bombarded with recordings of moi! =P)

Anyway, I'm still ticked that he went out and bought the darn thing with money that was for something else, without consulting anyone but himself, but I suppose that's life with a control freak.

We're still at the inlaws' right now, but we're heading back after lunch, since I have rehearsal tonight. I'm hoping I can get an appointment with my therapist either tomorrow or Wednesday and get him to look at the letter. /sigh.

Anyway... we're about to take the munchkins in the pool, so I'm outta here!

Ahhh, the inlaws.........

Well, on the one hand, it's kinda nice to have some extra adults to help with rambunctious little kidlets. On the other hand, I love my mother-in-law dearly, but she is nuts. Papa, however, keeps a well stocked bar, so all is not lost =P

Right now, the husband is off at the store with his mother, and they took the oldest kidlet with them... the tiny one is sleeping, and Emily is quite happily playing with Papa and his trains. (You should SEE his setup... I'll try to post a picture of it later, it's amazing!) So yay, I get a few minutes to BREATHE on my own!

My new meds say that "excessive caffeine may increase your risk of seizure", so I've been laying off the Diet Coke... which is giving me a headache... which I suppose is better than a seizure, but it's still no fun. They also have a warning about drowsiness, and that alcohol may intensify the effect, but so far they don't seem to be making me drowsy, so I do believe I shall risk some cocktails later. In fact, the doctor told me when she prescribed them that they would likely make me restless and keep me from sleeping, so she told me to take them in the daytime. I haven't noticed much effect either way yet. /shrug

I think bloggin is almost as therapeutic as singing is....just as addictive, too =P
Monday night we start rehearsing the dancing, though, and I am SO not looking forward to that part. Can't I just hide in the wings and sing? It's not like I have a speaking part or a named role or anything... I'm just the only one in the chorus that can hit the high notes... /giggle. (Ego much? Nah... even my email address has "diva" in it. /smirk)


I don't know whether B is getting more controlling as the days go by, or if I'm just noticing it more, but either way it's strengthening my resolve about what needs to happen, so I guess that's a good thing, in a way.

Well... they're due home any minute, so I'll be signing off for now ::)

Bleh.

The kids are all driving me INSANE today. Hannah is nothing but attitude, through and through, and she is driving me crazy. Emily's just being... Emily. She's adorable, but she's so LOUD. AND my mother is over, to "help", which... she's a big help, but she also is exceddingly disappointed in me that I never "get anything done" on my own. Yeah, she says she knows I have my hands full, she had three kids of her own... well, sorry, but the way she had hers spaced out, she has NO Idea what I go through on a daily basis. Her closest two were 5 years apart, and THEY were 19 and 14 when I came along. That's got nothin on having a 5 yr old with a 21 month old and a 9 month old. (They're exactly 1 year and 1 week apart... twins the hard way... heh.)

AND I'm supposed to be packing, because we're all heading to B's parents' house for the weekend, oh joy.... don't get me wrong, their house is awesome and I love them dearly, but this is more stress than I need.

I'll probably complain more later. /sigh

Yay, finally!

Got my new prescription last night, today is my first day taking it... it's supposed to take a couple of weeks to notice an improvement, but I'm sooooo impatient... I hope there's an extra dose of confidence in 'em.

I got my writing done yesterday, just have to show it to my therapist and see what he thinks of it before I pass it along to it's intended recipient.... and then hopefully all hell won't break loose.

I just keep looking at my sweet little babies (yeah, at over-protective moments like this, even the 5 yr old is a baby) and I know that I'll do what I have to to protect them... some days that's all that keeps me going. They're so small and defenseless... I'm the Momma, I have to do what I have to do. Fortunately I have less violent means at my disposal than the famous Mother Bear. (Doubly fortunate since it's violence we're trying to get away from.)

So... new meds, writing done, it's a good day... except that the littlest one just had a diaper blow-out that may require a complete hosing down... lol. So, gotta go!

So...

I'm still struggling with "homework" from my therapist and attorney. I have to write out something that's very difficult for me. I'm still unsure of whether I'll go into more detail about this here or not. I know it's what I have to do, I just wish I could fast forward past it. I want it over with, but I don't know where to start. I wish I could just run away and hide, and not have to deal with it, but life doesn't work that way. Have you ever been scared of where you are, but even more scared to move?